Blah.

Warning: This mood of this post is a little lot depressing.

I don't remember exactly when I knew I wanted to be a mom, it's just a desire that was always with me. I loved playing house with my friends. I would pretend I was pregnant and stuff my Cabbage Patch doll up my shirt. I've always love babies and kids. Watching my niece be born pretty much confirmed that I really wanted to have kids some day.

One reason I knew Dave was the one was because we were on the same wavelength as far as kids were concerned. Not too long after I met him, he said he had two big goals in life. To be a husband and to be a father. I felt the same way that those were things I knew I wanted (be a wife and a mother), whereas I really didn't know exactly what I wanted to do for a professional career.

We've been trying for 14 months now. Even though I wrote the other day that I didn't want to focus on having a child this year, I can't ignore that it's still something I really want. You think I'd get used to when that time of month rolls around making it apparent that this isn't "the month," but it just seems to get harder and more frustrating.

It probably has something to with the fact that we're in the dead of winter right now and winter generally has a depressing effect on me. It probably has a lot to do with trying for so long with no success. To be honest, it probably has something to do with the fact that two girls I grew up with are now pregnant with their second children. And probably has something to do with the fact that I got my period yesterday.

But the cumulutive effect is that right now, for the first time, a hopeless feeling is sticking with me. I'm not feeling positive about our chances of having a child. I feel like each month we're the couple that tries to get the winning lottery tickets and even though we try and try, it's something that will never happen. I don't like feeling this way. I don't like making Dave feel bad because I feel this way. But I can't seem to shake these negative feelings right now.

I remember at Christmas my mom said to me, "Maybe next year there will be a new baby here for Christmas. Or maybe you'll be expecting one."

I said, "Maybe," but I was thinking to myself, "yeah right."

We've tried pretty much everything. We've tried to try. We'v tried not to try. We've given it up to God. I've charted my temperature. I've tried ovulation predictor kits. Since we did get pregnant once, the doctor says everything works so just keep trying. I don't get it. We've always been healthy people. Our parents were fertile. Our siblings were fertile. We're 27 years old -- supposedly in the peak of our fertility. What is the problem?

I used to want three children. But right now, I'd just like one. One baby that Dave and I can call our own.

I wish I could travel in time to the future and get a glimpse that everything is going to end up okay. Because apparently, I've lost my ability to reassure myself today. Thank God tomorrow is a new day.

J.B.