Monday, February 7, 2011

Waving my white flag...

Last week I had to surrender. I broke down and had to admit that I couldn't do it all. Mom. Student. Employee. Too much stress. Too much guilt about not giving my son enough of my time.

And so I dropped the class I was taking this semester. I felt like I was one of the teen moms on 16 and Pregnant, unable to balance work, school and family. Part of me felt like a failure, because I couldn't do it all. But actually, I didn't want to do it all.

What I want to do is soak up every moment I can with my little boy. What I want to do is to be able to continue to breastfeed him. And I was worried that if I went to school this semester, I wouldn't be able to give Owen those things.

I can manage being away from him while I'm at work as I know it's necessary so we can pay bills and save money for a new house that we hope to buy one day. But last week, school didn't seem like it was necessary. And it was the one thing I could let go of for the time being.

I am still committed to finishing my masters degree. And in a couple of months, I will go back. But I'm still transitioning into working full-time. And Owen still wakes up to eat around 3:00 a.m. every morning. And I'm still breastfeeding. And that in itself is a job. So in a few months, while it will still be hard to go to school, I will do it.

But tonight, I'm going to go home and hang out with my boys.