Won't you light my candle?

We recently honored/observed (not sure what's the right word) the one year anniversary of our miscarriage. I started, but didn't really have the words to write a coherent blog post about it. To make my thoughts more scattered was the fact that right before the anniversary, my old roommate caught me up on what was going on in her life.

At her 19-week ultrasound, she found out their baby didn't develop kidneys. That basically meant that her baby couldn't survive outside the womb. Before the ultrasound, the baby appeared to be growing well and thriving. She could feel her kicks. So finding out her baby was sick was devastating. At that time, the doctors told her that the baby would continue to grow to full-term and then die within hours of being born. But, their baby actually died one year and six days after Chubby.

Her situation is no doubt more complicated than mine was. But it's still a loss of a baby, and a loss of hopes and dreams for that particular child. But not all hopes and dreams of having children have to die.

I pray for my roommate and for others who have experienced such a loss that not all hopes and dreams for the families that they want to have are lost.

As Dave and I talked about Chubs and the anniversary of our miscarriage, the thing that really touched both of us was how much can change in a year. After the miscarriage, it just seemed like our journey to have a family was such a long road -- and we were moving on that road painfully slow. I was hopeful we would have a family someday, but I just didn't imagine it could happen within a year. But it did. And we're so thankful.

And for some twisted reason, being pregnant again and preparing for our little guy has helped the grieving and healing process. That's another thing we talked about. From the loss of Chubby, we were given the gift of Boo. "Every new beginning comes from some other beginning's end."*

Chubby is part of our story. He always will be. Our dream was to be parents, and he made that come true. He taught us about hope and preserverence. He taught us about grieving and healing. He taught Dave and I that we need to rely on each other for support, especially during difficult times.

Today is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day, so I'm inviting you to take a moment and think about all those who were lost. Today I'm taking this moment to finally publish a post of scattered thoughts of my miscarriage experience. And, tonight I'll be lighting a candle in memory of Chubs.

J.B.