Emotions

Whenever I'm at church, I think about Chubs more than I do the rest of the time. Not a lot more, because honestly I think about our baby a lot. Maybe I just feel closer to him there. Maybe church is one of those places where I really center myself and feel safe enough to let guard down and let my emotions run free. It just seems that whatever the sermon's topic, whatever Bible versus' we read, whatever songs we read, they just relate to our baby in my mind.

So when I left church today, I felt sad. It's weird -- my whole life church was never a place where I left feeling sad. I know it's okay for me to feel sad about this. But it's not an emotion I like to let show. It's an emotion that I fight against...because I don't want to feel sad. I have so much to be thankful for in my life and I'm hopeful that we'll have another baby. But right now, when I go to that place where I let my emotions run free, I'm still sad about our loss.

So as I was driving home from church today, still thinking about Chubs and I heard a song I've never heard before. The words, "I’ll never get to hold you, I’ll never hear your sweet voice sing," caught my attention and I turned up the radio, curious what this song was about. I listened to each word as tears rolled down my cheeks.

“One More Day (For Faith)”

I’ll never get to hold you
I’ll never hear your sweet voice sing
I’ll never get to say ‘I told you so’
I’ll never read to you, or get to teach you anything

But you’ll always be my hope
You’ll always be my first light
You’re always gonna be daddy’s little girl
You’ll always be the strength I need to make it in this world
I only wish for one more day

I’m gonna miss your first day of school
I’ll never see you turn that page
I’ll never see you in your graduation gown
And I’m never gonna see you coming of age

But you’ll always be my hope
You’ll always be my first light
You’re always gonna be mommy’s little girl
You’ll always be the strength I need to make it in this world
I only wish for one more day

Sweet angel of mercy
Coming down to comfort me
Faith, sit right here beside me
I never want you to go away

I’m always gonna wonder how you’d look
Always gonna wish I took your place up there

You’ll always be our hope
You’ll always be our first light
You’re always gonna be our little girl
You’ll always be the strength we need to make it in this world
We only wish for one more day

We only wish for one more day

(c) 2009 Wrongway/Wrongtimer Music (BMI) and Saylesound Music (ASCAP)

Here's the actual song being sung, if you're interested in hearing it...

Even though it hurts, I'm going to savor this feeling of sadness right now. I've got a candle lit. I'm going to say a prayer and read from my reflection book. I'm feeling close to Chubs right now and I don't want to let that feeling go.

J.B.