Today

Today was supposed to be a great day. I'd been anxiously awaiting this day for the last ten weeks or so. Today was supposed to be the day of our first OB GYN appointment. I spent a lot of time daydreaming about the events of this afternoon -- holding Dave's hand while we walked into the clinic, going through medical history with the doctor, asking her questions, and all the while anticipating THAT MOMENT when we would hear our babies heart beat for the first time.
Sadly, that's not how today is going to go.

At approximately 3:20 p.m. Friday, September 25, we found out that today, September 30, wouldn't be going as planned. That's when the doctor came into the exam room and said, "You won't be needing your appointment. You had a miscarriage."

The ultrasound measured the baby at 8 weeks 3 days. The was no heartbeat.

Even though I had been preparing myself to the possibility of hearing those words from the doctor, it all seemed so unreal. I was supposed to be in my ninth week and looking forward to becoming a mom for the first time. And now that I've written it here, I'm at a loss for words. I don't know what else to say.

I'll say this.

The plan was that after our appointment today, after hearing the heartbeat, we'd be more public about our expected arrival. We'd tell my work, we'd tell our aunts and uncles and cousins, we'd tell our friends. Dave said he didn't want to post it on Facebook, but I imagined him being so excited that he couldn't resist. I'd post the news on my blog. We'd let the world in on our secret.

And yet, even though this day isn't going as planned. And even though we're no longer expecting a baby at the end of April, I can't help but feel the need to let the secret out anyway....just as we originally planned.

I want the world to know my baby was here.

One of the things I'm struggling with is that there is nothing tangible to say that our baby existed. No pictures. No hand prints. I never felt our baby kick. I never felt our baby grab onto my pinky finger. I haven't been able to clip off the ID tag on my wrist from the ultrasound at the hospital last Friday. It's the one thing that I have that says we've had this experience.

And this experience will impact Dave and I. It already has. This experience is a part of our story and I've been chronicling our story on this blog for more than two years now. That's why feel like I need to share the news here. This blog tells our story and this is a part of us now.

And if you're learning about this for the first time....I'm sorry you have to find out about either a) the pregnancy and/or b) the miscarriage here. I'm finding that most people don't know how to react to the miscarriage news. Dave and I don't really know how to react either. But hopefully you can understand my need to share our story. Dave and I are doing ok. I went back to work yesterday. Dave's been back at work and school too. We're sad, but we're hopeful. I've never felt so strong and so weak at the same time.

Before this, I never thought I'd be able to manage getting through a situation like this -- I want to be a mom more than anything and that's not going to happen as soon or as easily as I hoped. But I think of this as an unknown blessing...and I really understand now that God give's you the strength to get through your struggles. Our baby is in a good place now alongside some awesome great grandparents. We know we'll be parents someday...welll, I guess we already are...just not parenting the way we expected. I also know that when it happens, we'll cherish our kids that live alongside us in this life all the more after going through this.